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The Divorce: Dreams, Promises, and Lies

01.28.2013 by J. Doe // 3 Comments

Since this blog began, I have been waiting for litigation to end, so that I can tell the whole story of my marriage. I did not expect it to take so long, but it is now at an end and I am free, finally, to explain.

Eight years ago, I married him based on this promise: We would have a child. I never intended for The Child to be an only child, having been one myself. When my first marriage ended, once I regrouped and rebuilt, I ached for my child not to be an only also.

It was not a small item, nothing I overlooked: It was several conversations, and a promise, firmly stated.

Vows were exchanged and a house bought and furnished. And then, when it was time to fulfill the promise, a problem arose with a shrug. In the years that followed, he attached preconditions to his promise, and stalled,  and delayed and discussed the matter endlessly – always with more promises that it lay somewhere in the future.

One day, I finally stopped seeing the promises and saw the reality. When you  are 42 and female, you know there isn’t that much future left for that particular promise.

It quickly became a desperate situation, accompanied by increasingly expensive assisted reproduction techniques in high-tech facilities that aren’t covered by medical insurance. The doctors said, you need to do this and that, you need to be serious about this, and you need to do it now.

And still he dawdles. Things happen that don’t quite make sense, but definitely obstruct the goal: the child, deferred.

Finally, the doctors say, you are out of options but for one, and The Departed agrees, and every last bit of savings is drained from the bank account to pay for a last-hope, extremely aggressive in-vitro procedure.

I’ll see you pregnant, says the doctor.

There are so many daily needle punctures that my belly is bruised and track-marked from it; the pain is intense from the near-daily ultrasounds to monitor the situation in my hard-to-find ovaries. It will be worth it in the end, I tell myself, alone at the endless doctor appointments.

The pain and the cost are nothing – a small price to pay for a dream. I forget about these things; I pick names and decorate nurseries in my mind.

Three days before the procedure was to be completed was the day He departed.

I found myself, at 44, not contemplating how I could still have my dream through the miracle of modern science, but instead going deeper into debt to free myself from the person who did this, who after stalling and delaying my dreams, stalls and delays my exit in every way he can think of.

While all this is going on, I suddenly notice my only child, and realize she isn’t so little anymore.

And I wonder: how much reality have I thrown away chasing a dream and believing lies that, in retrospect, should have been achingly easy to see through.

Categories // The Divorce Tags // divorce, IVF

Back on the Bike Trail: Sights Unseen

01.17.2013 by J. Doe // 2 Comments

The Child sings in a choir, which means I shuttle her to rehearsals as well as concerts. The first year she sang with the choir – about three years ago – she had a fall concert in the Ravenna neighborhood of Seattle, which I don’t know well. She had to be delivered for practice and then the concert followed two hours later.

Basically, this left The Departed and me with two hours to kill in an unfamiliar neighborhood; this being Seattle, we decided a cup of coffee was in order. He suggested we go get some coffee at Starbucks.

We walked from the concert hall toward an area where I thought we’d passed some shops on the way.

After a couple of blocks, we saw some small shops, and crossed the street to check them out. One of them was a coffee shop with a funky vibe: mismatched chairs and a handwritten sign announcing free wifi within. Hipster types were scattered about with lattes and laptops. We both looked in the window.

We can get coffee here, I said. Shall we try it?

He said nothing, and simply kept walking in the same direction as before.

After a couple more blocks, I asked what we were looking for.

You said there was a Starbucks up this way, he said.

It wasn’t what I said, but it being Seattle, it was probably a correct statement, so I kept silent and we kept walking.

Finally we saw a Starbucks sign, and sure enough, there was one: inside a supermarket. With no seats. The kind of Starbucks where you grab your latte on the way back out to your car. Not the kind where you sit and relax and have a nice chat over a cup of coffee because you have two hours to kill.

Well, he said, let’s get a cup of coffee.

There’s no place to sit, I said.

Well, there aren’t any other Starbucks around here, he said.

What was wrong with the little coffee place we passed? I demanded.

We didn’t pass any coffee place, he said firmly.

Not only did we pass it, I told him, you looked in the window.

No, I didn’t.

I think I must be mistaken because he’s adamant: We passed no coffee shop. But we walk back toward the concert hall because I refuse to stand in a supermarket with a latte in my hand.

He doesn’t understand that the acquisition of a cup of coffee is not the actual point of getting a cup of coffee.

We pass the coffee shop again on the way back. This coffee shop, I tell him. What was wrong with this? There are seats and actual ceramic cups.

It wasn’t here before, he says.

It was here and you looked in the window, I say. I see a bit of a light flicker but it isn’t a light of remembrance, it’s a light of realization that his version of events is utterly implausible. Nobody built a coffee shop and filled it with hipsters and wifi in the last five minutes.

I don’t know how that happened, he said. Why didn’t you say something instead of walking around looking for Starbucks?

I did, I tell him, but then I turn my attention to the free wifi and my iPad. The coffee here may be amazing, but it is no longer possible for me to enjoy it.

I mention all of this because on the first weekend of the New Year, The Child announced that her resolution was to do more bike riding, meaning I got to load up the bikes and drive us to the bike trail. I’m fine with this as the weather is halfway decent and I’ve been itching to get out and enjoy it. Once I remember how to load the bikes on the rack and recover from nearly putting the handlebar through my rear window, we go off riding.

It’s a great ride, a bit chilly but we spot a hawk high in the bare tree branches looking for his lunch. The trail is fairly empty so it’s a nice peaceful ride: us, the hawk, some ducks here and there, and the occasional other cycler or dog walker. We go as far as we can north, then turn and backtrack to my car.

As we head south, we pass The Departed, cycling north.

I look right in his face. We are the only people around.

He does not see me, nor the child whose stepfather he was for eight years.

He does not see anything he did not expect to see.

Which explains why he never really saw me, either.

Categories // All By Myself, Scenes From A Marriage Tags // biking, divorce, marriage, single

Good Things: Closet Space

12.11.2012 by J. Doe // Leave a Comment

I’m coming up with a list of Good Things About Being Divorced, and this is Item Number One: twice the closet space.

It’s one of those things I didn’t think of when I was unhappily married and considering leaving. I thought about practical things like health insurance and mortgage payments. But closet space, so eminently practical? Twice as much of it? It never crossed my mind.

To date, it hasn’t really mattered all that much in my day to day life – after I removed his clothes and sent them to him, right after he left, I moved some things around so that the closet didn’t look so bare on one side, and that was it.

But with my sudden shoe-and-clothing windfall, I decide it’s time to purge. I spend an evening tearing through my closet. Gone are the worn-out sweaters, the clunky shoes, the socks I am sure I will find the mates to, eventually. I fill a large bag with trash, and a couple more with donations.

I get to that special drawer – the one full of silky things bought either with him, or with him in mind. I dump the contents into an anonymous trash bag. I cannot think of an occasion on which I would wear any of this again – something similar, certainly. But not this.

It’s not really the kind of stuff you donate, but it’s all perfectly good. I hate to just throw it away.

It occurs to me that perhaps the person for whom all this was bought would appreciate having it.

It’s a generous idea, when you think about it. It wasn’t on the list of things he asked for, and I’m giving it to him anyway.

I’m nice that way.

I put the bag into the garage with The Departed’s things, to be picked up by movers in just a few days.

A couple of days later, I buy a couple pairs of boxer shorts, run them through the wash and use them around the kitchen for a day or so. So they look, you know, not new. I toss them into the anonymous trash bag too, which helpfully labeled “personal effects.”

The Departed wears briefs. But you knew that.

Categories // All By Myself, The Divorce Tags // divorce, single

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