I walk through IKEA with The Child. We follow the arrows through the store, and pass through the baby nursery department. I walk a bit faster and focus my eyes forward, at the arrows on the floor, and then it’s over, quickly enough, and I forget about it, mostly.
I still knit, and my knitting is improving, and when I look for project ideas, I run across patterns for baby things. I turn the pages quickly, and remind myself it’s better for a beginner to work with thicker yarn, and bigger needles.
There are other moments like those – the TV show with the new baby storyline – but I can change the channel. Scroll past the pictures on Facebook.
Once in a while, though, I walk past a couple: He is tender with her – gentle, affectionate. Or perhaps it is a couple with a young child, and they are both tending the child, the father visibly as in love with the youngster as the mother.
Those are the moments I shut my eyes, and wish I could be anywhere but where I am.
I hear you. I feel you. I experience exactly those feelings under other circumstances. I know you understand. sigh.
I hope it improves soon, although I know it might not. 🙁